Lucid Dreaming

Well, it’s official.

My life is in abject chaos.

On Friday night I went out to celebrate a friends birthday, it started out wonderfully- I borrowed my housemates pretty flowery dress and off I popped, practically skipping my way through my first bottle of wine on my balcony, with my boss.

Now, you hear the word boss and imagine a balding, suit wearing scary with a bee in his bonnet about not working late/enough… but not my boss. Out of work the boss is a good friend, a laugh and a crackingly good fun on a night out.

We met up with the rest of the gang in a small cocktail bar to let the Debauchery reign. Very quick of the mark, buy one get one free martinis, 2 peach and 2 lychee, 1 schnide apple-tini and a whisky, and I turn to see the birthday girl and her mate doing “The Flaming Waterfall” oh my god. And so it begins.

The gorgeous friends were out, so I introduced my gang to the “gorgeous friends” both Eurasian and hot hot hot... I honestly wouldn’t be able to make up my mind if ever ‘that’ opportunity reared its somewhat beautiful sparkly eyed, straight teethed, intelligent, well groomed and witty head (s)…again “The skinny but gorgeous” one is frankly just lovely im highly possessive of this one after all we had a few dates and shared a rather interesting moment in a taxi where there may have been just for a second or two a kiss and a cheeky hand on the cock. As for the other one, well, honestly speaking on the night I met the gorgeous friends I struggled to make up my mind. I initially kissed and cavorted with “the skinny but gorgeous one” but after his Asian genetics took their toll on his alcohol tolerance- and he left, he left me in the clutches of “J- god amongst men” he of course did the big reveal and spoke about his daughter and his new girlfriend and what do you know, we had a little guilty kiss on the steps of a club behind the bottle bins. He certainly knows how to please!!

………. And then what do you know, my work friend like a dog on heat (who was up for a lay) started barking up MY god dam tree. Well that went down like a sack of shit. Partially due to martini and partly due to her I started getting a little lippy- and well just made an arse of myself all jealous and possessive-,

I'm quite the charm.

Anyway, we left the little cocktail bar only to descend upon the heavy metal bar in Clarke Quay. This is always a good place to be if you can avoid complications and in the words of Korn, the, ehhem…. “Dead Bodies Every where” By that of course I’m referring to the one who cannot be mentioned- the one, the only “I can’t see you anymore as you make me use condoms, but I have a god given Talent, and sing like a demon”, and of course the other Dead Body of a Bar man, “I like you and really want to date you coz your gorgeous…. But I have a Fiancée and a 4 year old daughter”. Anyhow the martini’s really began to kick in, and like a bullet to my brain in walks “skinny but Gorgeous” with my work mate. He took one look at heavy metal bar, wrinkled his perfect flawless nose up and left, with her panting and doe eyed following after him.

So I ordered Absinthe. “Bar tender, it’s her birthday; give us the 7 deadly sins!!”

Of which there were 10 (so im not sure why they are called the 7 deadly’s) or maybe I was imagining the other 3 shots as the absinthe was truly awful, either that or it was an   instant hitting hallucinogen.

Incidentally around the time of the Absinthe there was the appearance of a gorgeous French guy, aged 37 and graying slightly, highly sexy and exceptionally captivating.

----- Maybe I imagined him too???????????-----

I think he drank the remaining 3 shots too… but I can’t be sure.



Absinthe- makes the heart grow fonder



I may have at this point in the night then- allegedly text “skinny but gorgeous” to tell him and I quote, “your mine, but not really if you know what I mean, please don’t fuck my colleague…” bla bla bla. Oh dear. (I’m regretting that one this morning!)

The night then descended into more chaos with a trip to the Scottish whisky bar for shots and shorts, and on to dance in another bar, where the bar man gives me free drinks, in yet another vain and desperate attempt to get laid. But who’s complaining, free drinks.

After probably half an hour of the usual non descript drinking and dancing, and then off to grubby, yet brilliant China One night out occurred. I just briefly and fleetingly remember having a little boogie with a guy I met once in a bar a while ago who exchanges “spite texts” with me.

The gorgeous French guy was still about at this point, but when we decided to leave the club sometime around 5am, he, in a flash. Disappeared.

Shame. 

Definition:

Abject:

Spelled[ab-jekt, ab-jekt]

–adjective

1.

Utterly hopeless, miserable, humiliating, or wretched: abject poverty.

2.

Contemptible; despicable; base-spirited: an abject coward.

3.

Shamelessly servile; slavish.

Absinthe:

/ Spelled[ab-sinth]

–noun

1.

A green, aromatic liqueur that is 68 percent alcohol, is made with wormwood and other herbs, and has a bitter, licorice flavor: now banned in most Western countries.

2.

Wormwood ( def. 2) .

woops

Bollox.

Absinthe.

who's idea was that then?

today in pictures.



 



Pinocchio

                                                             LITTLE WOODEN HEAD

                                   this song has been stuck in my head all day.. click the link above:



a blast from the past

Im absolutely knackered today, it seems I didn’t sleep too well. All tossing and turning, a combination of wrestling with my covers, heat and my mind and my heart racing.

I received a few hand written letters yesterday, one form an old friend who is still at home, and she just wanted to say hi, on a very lovely postcard…

The other one form a long time ago ex boyfriend

Now I speak to him on occasions – when I have topped up my phone enough to listen to him chat rubbish and also for long, lingering, enjoyable (the kind you can have after knowing someone 12ish years) but very expensive silences. His letter was 2 pages of random waffling, doodles and bizarre bits and pieces, and a series of 15 photos, equally as odd- ranging from pictures of blurry tents in the dark and  pink sky to pictures of his housemates (who I have never met) playing Play station 3.

The thing is I was really looking forward to getting his letter, which I knew was coming after he asked me for my address….

I was checking my postbox daily – and yesterday there it was, a grey plastic bag taped down and my address scrawled on the front. It made me smile.

For the first time in a few weeks I got a nervous giggly excitement. I liked getting the random package of nonsense.

But then I lay awake in bed, most of the night, wishing I was 15 again with no responsibility…. There are about 5 people in my life who have influenced me and have helped to mould my brain… one is my best female friend, one is here in Singapore and is new to this crazy life of mine- he is big buttons- one is Mr. D- one is an un-namable accountant and one is the letter writing Ex.

This particular ‘letter writing ex’ of mine has always been a bit of an escape from me,  I remember starting at 6^th form (school) back in september 2000 and really hating it, and sneeking out in the morning or just after lunch to his house and getting back in bed and hiding with him from the world. He has provided me with some of the funniest stories of my life- chaos if you will: also he was and still is the keeper of the most intensely devastating secrets of mine, and the one person in my life who I know has also forgotten them, and will never hold them against me!!

One such example of this chaos was when I was around 18 years old and was going through a rather intense drugs experimentation phase... He had this massive old house in the middle of town, and I was at the time smoking a spliff on the most giant mahogany chair in his living room- so there I was on an 6 foot in the air on the seat of a massive chair that was actually installed in the living room via the window, with a crane… when suddenly my ex (who was my fella at the time) burst in the room drinking petrol and having a wild time with 3 friends. We then all proceeded to move to the giant bathroom where a giant pond liner was installed with plumbing for a giant Jacuzzi. By the end of the night, there were 15 of us in this pond in the bathroom getting caned out of our heads. With a floating ashtray and more alcohol than I have ever seen since. My two friends prudently perched on the edge of the ‘hot tub pond liner’ in t-shirts the boys had lent to them and reluctantly joining in. I was having the time of my life.

Another time I spent with him involved a game of strip poker and running across a busy street naked to win my clothes back.

The first time my mum met him, she said “Is he on drugs? If he’s not, he should be!”

I used to escape to his house all the time, which probably explains how I ended up not being a doctor or a lawyer or hugely successful.

Everything in his house was massive: the chair in the front room, the bathroom, the house, the Pond Liner, the Kitchen hob was HUGE, even his presence was massive… and so was his bed. He had the biggest bed I have ever seen, a giant four poster – yes- bunk bed. 2 stacked on top of each other… You could actually stand in the space between the bottom and the top bunk… It was quite the party house.

I used to love hanging out there.

Then he moved house, to his own more sensible house… we still got high and drunk and chatted rubbish for hours and hours just without the interruptions of housemates spitting petrol bombs or demanding poker parties/drugs/chaos… In fact, we hung out a lot. Fell in and out of love and eventually went our separate ways after growing up together.

I met him on my 14^th birthday and he left on my 22^nd.

I visited him twice at his new home ‘down south’… he remains single to this day and still hankers after his old life. We were never the same though: I remember sitting on the stairs in his house one time I went to visit- I was in a serious and committed relationship at the time and didn’t think of him as anything other than a friend. He still managed to rip me to pieces whilst I sat there on the stairs of his parents house. I don’t think he actually knew what he did, but it hurt. Badly.

I left his house, never to return.

Pirates

We- the workies and some add on partners and friends attended a party last weekend:

There were 2500 of us, all from the place where I work… It as an 8 course dinner with no alcohol, followed by a dance.

Everyone was dressed up lovely- in suits, dressed and looked lovely. My department went- as Pirates- with a boat and lots of Rum and water pistols.

We caused havoc. And won the best dressed table award.

twas' a good night.... ARRGH.

What to do now!?

Spoke at length, and in depth with Mr D today about our "future", yes that is future in quote, un quote format.

I seriously dont actually know what the hell is happening.

Plan 1) get a job in singapore, move here
Plan 2) get a job in australia, move there
Plan 3) get a job in 6 months time in australia, move there via 2 months in singapore
Plan 4) stay in UK. Me to go home

Australia in Pictures

Trigg Beach

Cool Coffee Shop Lights

 Pigs Can Fly (in Oz!)

 Road Signage

 Kanga-wolla-fox

 Coca-Koala


Bogan Ute- Idle Bugger
 Swan Valley (winerys....)

 Waves

 Perth City Centre

The Highlight of my trip.

 Trees

Perth at a distance

A new Low

Im back in not so sunny Singapore after a few enjoyable days away in Perth, it’s been really good to catch up with some old friends and eat till I was stuffed.

Not much to report from my trip- just good food, good times with old friends and long beach walks, strolls in the park and wandering round the shops.

I have spent a months rent on 2 designer dresses and some new underwear, and a wad of cash on eating out, but I’m feeling ok, relaxed and back at work.

I will never travel jet star again though. Both trips to and from Perth were disasters:

The return flight saw me sink to an all time new low- I settled onto the plane around 12:30pm and straight after takeoff I dropped into a sleep of discomfort and neck ache… around 2am I woke suddenly to cramping stomach and sweat all over me... oh dear, this only means one thing: get to the bathroom ASAP.

I hurriedly woke the man sat next to me, and dizzy walked up the isle to the bathroom where I proceeded to throw up in the mini sink, of the mini bathroom: bad move. It was the most horrific thing ever. I think I must have eaten something dodgy as my stomach was really giving me shit. Both ends. I spent an unhappy hour in the bathroom and then sat in the cold of the back of the plane sipping water while the colour drained from my face and arms.

I made it back to my seat, briefly- then back to the bathroom for round 2, then round 3.

Finally after passing out on the bathroom floor which could have been for an eternity I came round, I was hugging a Public Loo on a plane with my head resting on the seat. GRIM GRIM GRIM-

Im in work now- I could hardly ring in sick after having a holiday. But I feel horrific.

And I have alcohol wiped my face probably about a million times.


         This image strikes the fear of god into me now....

....I'm a piano player in a whorehouse

im packing my stuff in Perth - awaiting my trip back to Singapore.

Its been a good long weekend in Perth, on sunday we all went to Fremantle to catch up with a bunch of friends, two of whom i know from back home in the UK- so it was good to chat rubbish and exchange opinions.. Its all a bit strange catching up with people after 10 years!

I did some shopping and spent about a month's rent on clothes.... woops!

Walked about the city and beaches a lot and spend 2 lovely hours in the park in the sunshine yesterday.. then a further 3 hours sat in a coffee shop sheltering from the rain (with the funniest book i have ever read "don't tell mom i work on the rigs, she thinks i'm a piano player in a whorehouse"- I'd highly recommend it!!) !!... its been very relaxing and i'm almost refreshed and ready to go back to... (Boo!!!) Work

Kansas

Well I ain't in Kansas no more!

I arrived in Perth (Western Australia) last night, at 11:30pm to a chilly night where I had to put on a cardigan straight away- this is exactly what I have waited for. The last few weeks in Singapore have seen me sweat my own body weight in water daily and the humidity and heat in SG has been relentless.

The Jet star flight here was, however, Horrific.

I didn't expect it to be totally awful- I have never been on a flight that was in so much Chaos.
There were people changing and switching seats, Screaming children on mother's knees, in front of me an Indian father with his wife, mother and sister and his 4 fat children squashed onto the 3 seats in front of me... and one of his annoying kids running up and down, up and down the seat alley way dancing, crying, screaming, tantrum-ing, singing, jumping, hitting passengers....  as if flying is not stressful enough without all that.

needless to say there were more than one or two disgruntled passengers holding their tongues for fear of "airline reprisal" and "air rage accusations"

anyway- im here, im staying with an old school friend and her boyfriend about 2 km outside of Perth City centre. Lovely apartment, and so far a good time.

This morning we went to Trigg Beach which was windy and chilly to watch my friend surf- and have a beach walk... I decided against surfing as it was cold... and would have been very cold if I’d have gone in the water!!

Lunch was an amazing prawn burger and chips with chicken salt and vinegar- splendid.

Then off to Cavesham Wildlife Park where I basically spent the afternoon scared of Kangaroos- incase they kicked me in the arse, and hanging out with the coca-Koala’s (!!!)

A quick tour of the wineries and back to the house…. Tipsy and with lots of lovely wine to take home…

Tonight, let there be drink, party and music...

jump- or be pushed

This made me laugh:


Angry passer by, pushes suicide man off bridge


also-

This is a picture or a pirate dog: This is the topic of conversation in the office today:

also-

My colleague just asked someone if the black bits in bananas are tarantula eggs- DISCUSS

I "discoverey-ed" TV.

Simply, the worst thing that ever happened to me, was, and still is:
"Discovery Home & Health" channel. This little Gem on Cable T.V. Singapore frankly is spoiling my very existence:

basically there are a few shows which are on constantly:

1)'I didn't know i was pregnant' is frankly harrowing, it is about women who- didn't know they were pregnant. Basically 19 year old girls screaming blue murder in reconstructions, and having babies in the toilet/shower/car/bath/university dorm room/nightclubs/caravans, and well, when their mothers find out, they are overjoyed.

What I have learned: you can be pregnant- and not know, you can have a baby in a toilet, having a baby makes you scream like an idiot, babies born to these mothers who smoke and drink- have healthy babies (curious?), Mothers (or grandmothers of the babies) are overjoyed by a surprise arrival, pregnancy may not have symptoms.

2) 'Say yes to the dress' - bizarre program where brides go nuts in a wedding shop with multiple family members scream their delight or disgust at multiple dress selections brought to the nervous/neurotic bride who diligently accepts trying the dress on and cries at the "you look fat" criticism, and the "yes- thats the one!!!" comments.

What I have Learned: all the dresses on the show are ugly, and never take your miserable sister or a fashion designer bridesmaid- they will tell you "you look fat"

3) 'Jon and Kate- plus 8' - "i had twins at 22 and at 28, sextuplets!!!" frankly another weird program , and incidentally, Jon, has an affair and leaves Kate- Plus 8.

What I have Learned: All men are bastards, Never have 8 children- especially 6 at once - ouch.

 4) BridalPLASTY- yes thats right, lets have a competition, 12 brides, 1 house, lots of bitching, and a surgery every week for the "best bride" after having a competition to see who can: design their own dress/make a bouquet etc.... the winner gets a boob job/tummy tuck/nose job... and the GRAND WINNER wins, a total body re-sculpture, the wedding of their dreams and- the title "the PERFECT BRIDE"

What I have Learned: the man of your dreams and society and TV think your ugly and need plastic surgery. I will never be the perfect bride- as ill never go on this show (i'm very upset about this!!) , it essential to have a low self esteem before your wedding, and Lipo-suction wont rid you of your double chin.



SO- Discovery home and health has to go. There are other shows, all equally as shallow and bizarre:
'little people big world' about a midget/dwarf family?
'17 kids and counting' 1 family, 1 female with a wizards sleeve!
'rich bride, poor bride'
'downsize me' about fat people
'human stories' mostly about fat people


There is a theme here, weddings, being fat and babies.

all i have figured out, is that my life is not complete, as i'm not married,  i don't have babies (but according to program 1- i could be pregnant), and i'm fat (according to bridal Plasty- obese, and according to downsize me- my only goal in life is to shoot myself)



so please excuse me, i'm tired and craving Vegemite on toast.
 I could be overworked, and hungry, but i am not sure, so i'll pee on a stick,
just in case-
'I didn't know I was pregnant'

Seriously- Who knew- 9 months pregnant and this slim- shock!

australia - to solve the bored problem

im going to australia for a weekend.
yes thats right, for a weekend....
leaving friday 13th may returning tues 17th may.

he he. looking forward to a catch up with 2 old friends who are there.... but guess what, today is also my lucky day. i have won a BMW and 750,000 uk pounds... and

here is the email

1)
BMW Automobile Award Program

Your Email Address Has Won You A Car and a cash prize of

750,000GBP In the BMW Automobile Promotion Held on the

10th of May 2011.To claim your prize Contact Mr. David

Hill on phone {+44 704 579 6828} and

Email:BMWpromotions2011@gmx.com

1: Name:
2: Address:
3: Mobile No:
4: Age:
5: Sex:
6: Occupation:
7: Country:
8: Email:


All mail should go to:bmwprom2011@hotmail.com
Regards
Mr. David Hill
-AND-

2)
I am Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson, I have a package (Bank Draft) of $500,000,00 United State Dollars in your name and your mail address left with DHL Courier Express Company for claims, All you need to do is to contact DHL Courier Express Company via below information for your package delivery to arrive your home address.


Contact Person: Mr. Falesy Jude
Email Address: mrdikeson12@hotmail.com
Telephone: +2347036839061
         

Do send to  them (DHL) your correct postal address, full name, contact phone number, so that they can be able to deliver your package direct to your postal address and you have to pay a fee of $150 USD which is the DHL courier express delivery charges fee so far, for your package (Bank Draft) to arrive to you to your home address, as I have paid for all necessary charges except that of the Custom Clearance fee of the courier company so far.


Yours Truly,
Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson.


What a day. Im booking my tickets, 1st class! ha ha ha (not really, i know the email's are a hoax but hey...  I do however wonder what the package is! - Elizabeth may get a reply!?!?!?!)

Ill book my Australia tickets tonight... result!

bored.com

boring day.

a twinkle of filth

last night was great fun, we all went to a little tapas bar in Arab Street and drank margaritas and sangria. I kept things on the mexican side to avoid a killer hangover ....

while we had a group picture tith the birthday boy, one of his friends kissed me on the neck- interesting surprise.

the man in question is from L.A. and he is short, beardy and was wearing a hat. He followed the little kiss with- "you have a beautiful smile...." looked at me a bit and then said "and a twinkle of filth"

well you could have knocked me over with a feather. Thats the best line i have heard in a while... I resonded rather quickly with "nice beard, did you grow that ourself?!"

anyway after a few more lines he gave me his card and i gave him mine- he is a photographer here for 3 months doing some work in the art scene. Well i thought nothing else of it and left around 10:30pm for home.


I got to work this morning and an e-mail was in my WORK email it read:

"Hi, can't wait to see you again, 
Might be fun to play a game of dirty tweets, fetishes or experiences, but you have to respond in kind.
here is mine:
I like threesomes, a girl and another girl or another boy, doesn't matter, but it usually ends up being another boy."


Im not sure what to do now. I think avoidance and denial is the way forward.

well, its friday and i'm off out with the girls. so lets see what the weekend has to offer.....

birthdays

im off out tonight for a friends bitrthday.

mexican vs. french is the theme.

magaritas Vs. champagne.
bad combo.

Allegedly

Allegedly, so it has been told, this morning, back in the office… On Saturday night, I was out… drinking.

Supposedly I decided it would be a smart move to visit as many of the Clarke quay drinking holes as is humanly possible... The evidence was blatant on Sunday morning too when I woke up with many a night club and bar stamp imbedded on my pale wrists and smudged on my face. Gosh im sexy.

I got into work this morning to find a work colleague in the Breakfast room making coffee… she helpfully informed me of the goings on of Saturday night on a bender.

 
Allegedly I was out and about with my housemate and my work colleague - drinking up a storm with a bunch of US navy boys. Well it must have been a bloody good night, as I really don’t remember much. My friend has reliably informed me that I did nothing embarrassing or shameful. Hum????

The bits I do remember about Saturday night are as follows: but not in any particular order

1)       Drinking on the balcony of my house with my housemate and a bottle of wine, and some vodka.

2)        Attending Hot board Shorts’  Beautiful Girlfriends rooftop surprise birthday BBQ: although I was 3 hours late, which I said was fashionably late… but he said was on the verge of not being invited back “late”…. Woops. But it was bloody good fun

3)       Getting to Highlander in a taxi with a taxi driver called Steven

4)       Arriving at Highlander in Clarke Quay

5)       Some burly American bloke

6)       Dancing a bit in Pump Room

7)       Leaving China One

8)       An Egyptian bloke kissing my friend

9)       A sausage hot dog

10)    Buying “heavy metal guy” a tequila shot

And, yeah… well that’s about it.

Needless to say I did not make it to Sunday brunch with my work colleagues (see weekend predictions for more information!!) Instead I woke up rather surprisingly at 10:30 AM with a zest for life, and fancied going on a quest for fun things to do in Singapore… Turnout after Breakfast it emerged that I was still indeed drunk. So I called up my Scottish mate and went for hard rock café lunch and sat at his in the Air Con wrapped in a duvet watching crap cable TV re-runs of a crap English show called “Find me a Husband- Sally Grey” and the National Geographic channel- particularly a documentary on how to build Dams (which I was actually interested in as I didn’t know how they did it.

Lovely sunday with a horrific hangover. Never gain will I be drinking – Allegedly - jagerbombs with whisky chasers.

Bonus day

Ah, bank holiday Monday.

I have returned from a thoroughly lovely day of man attention and dinners.

Breakfast with Benedict: typical breakfast with educated, funny, charming, cute "Ben"- to eat: for me a big breakfast, sausages, bacon, eggs, toast, beans, hash browns... yum!!! For him: Eggs Benedict on toast- always.

Brunch with Big Buttons: well it was more like lunch when I met him as it was 1 o'clock. Fabulous conversation flowed for 2 hours and we laughed and ate Ramen and Sushi. I love big buttons, he always makes me feel good, after lunch- a stroll on the river front before he had to rush off to his nephews 2nd birthday party.... fortunately Big Buttons walked me to the location of my second lunch of the day...

Lunch with "NewYorkNewYork but a bit Chinese in denial about my heritage": (or lunch number 2): now the usually obnoxious NewYorkNewYork but a bit Chinese in denial about my heritage" was not on form at all, he munched almost silently through a steak sandwich and stared out at the river for most of lunch (number 2)... Turns out he had had an almost 20 hour drinking session with his buddies and had basically drunk his body weight in alcohol: Which is alot, he is a big guy.

Dinner with Din: Conveniently Din arranged to meet me in the same location that lunch number 2 was at... very convenient… although I popped into a nearby hotel to “freshen up” before he arrived. I was beginning o feel a bit stuffed by this point so I just had a  little Satay to share with Din and a few glasses of wine – although im off alcohol care of Saturday night’s debauchery.
Me and Din chatted for ages about his trip to Sweden and France over Christmas and my disaster of a trip home at Christmas, and his new job and general stuff including his new Romanian Girlfriend and also, his ex – The Swedish Pole Dancer!

I have now arrived home, full and satisfied, and happy. To find the internet and a cable TV box… Well that’s new! My housemate has been busy today! I now have the National Geographic channel and Discovery and BBC and to top it off … HBO on demand.

A very good day.

So I called Mr D, who was on the train from Manchester, heading home for the day to see my (and his) god son (and family) for his third birthday party…… I can’t believe he is 3 already!!!