interviews 3

FINALLY, Something has happened!

I had an interview for a job last night as a pharmaceutical project co-ordinator…. I interviewed ok, but at the end of it the lady said… “actually have you considered a job in recruitment? I think you’d be really good at it, and we need your skills on our team”

So I said – “ok”

I’m now being interviewed for another job in Singapore… as a recruitment consultant.

Interesting,

I have applied to probably 40 jobs in Singapore and a further 6 in the UK.

So far, this is what has happened:

UK:	Location	Interview	Result
Guys and St Thomas' Hospital	London	14th Dec
QE Hospital	Birmingham	pending
Private Company	South East	pending
Private Company	Middlesbrough	pending
Clinical Research Practitioner	Manchester	25th Nov	Confirmed Job Offer
Croydon Hospital	London	7th Dec
Singapore:
Clinical project Co-ordinator	Jurong	28th Nov
Recruitment consultant	Jurong east	28th Nov
Private Company	Jakarta	12th Oct & 19th Dec	loose Job offer

I have to interview again for all the jobs in Singapore. Im not sure why here in SG they like to interview more than once, but ok la, can.

The Manchester job is confirmed as an offer too! Which is great news, if I want to go home?

Oh no.

Do I want to go home?

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interviews 2

Heard nothing. getting worried.

maybe i'm unemployable... oh dear.










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interviews

i have applied for lots of jobs.

so, i'll sit
and, i'll wait
and, i'll see what happens

Love

Is it possible to love two people?

 Does that mean you don't love either of them?

??????????????????????????????

despondent and desperate

I’m despondent today. I feel hopeless and dejected. Downcast and rejected.

I spent far too much time on Sunday in bed thinking… and came to the conclusion, that, if I want to know what the hell to do I must consult with the people involved in the decision.

I emailed friends, who I know will support me, but I no longer think they will get the situation. My mother tells me, “you’ve moved on…” but the truth is, I haven’t. I still wanna sit in the pub on a Friday night surrounded by me old school mates drinking and doing stupid things. The truth is, THEY, yes, they have moved on. All of them are now settled down or married or with children, no time for the pub. They grew up.

I did not.

I try to be happy drifting from one job to the next with no responsibility and no commitment. The world is my proverbial oyster. I can go anywhere and do anything I like. I am free of the social pressure to get married and have children and free of the trappings of a mortgage and debt.

Except I’m not happy.

I want stability, and reliability… I don’t necessarily want someone to make me stay in one place or tie me down

I don’t want to stop wandering. I just want someone to come with me.

I spoke in length to him last night, again- I lay there in bed at 11pm and just said what was on my mind….

I told him (by way of trying to paint a picture for him) that there was a little girl skipping in my mind all happy and joyous dressed in a lovely party dress trailing a yellow balloon behind her singing about a boy who loves her. And about how, as a girl we are told that a man must fight for you. And about how heart broken I will be when I pack my things up in February and wheel out my suitcase to the airport and stand there alone at the gate, because I couldn’t fight for us. And how he only wants to be 15% of my decision to stay, but how he doesn’t want me to go. And about my thoughts on leaving Singapore and how it is so much more difficult than the decision to come here. And about how I’d never pick my career over a relationship again.

I asked him if he thought there was a future in “this” and he said “I don’t know”.

Its funny- I never read my horoscope, but I did last night, just before I shut down the computer, and it said “today is not the day to confront things” and that

“any communication I have about important matters must be clear and straightforward.”

Well, I suppose it can’t be anymore clear and straightforward to me.

“Do you think there is a future in this?”

“No”

Done. Easy as that. He said it is because Singapore is a transient place and that nothing here lasts.  

I’m still me, and he is still him and what we have is still a relationship, regardless of the transience and fleeting / passing / brief / temporary / momentary / short lived / ephemeral / evanescent (delete as appropriate)  nature of this.

Today, I’m loosing my mind. In fact, I think I lost it a while ago. Although, not about this specific situation, but about all of it…

In summary:

1) Being told rather harshly “you’re crap at your job”

2) Loosing my job (because im crap at it)

3) I’m not crap at my job

4) I have no confidence in my abilities anymore

5) I’m only just out of uni (2 years) and I have been told im crap at my job, lost my confidence and HAVE NO PASSION for it anymore.

6) Returning home to a recession torn UK in the cold and miserable depths of winter to a job Im not even sure I want

7) No hope of employment in Singapore (although i am applying for jobs. so far all have rejected my willful advances!)

8) I want to stay in Singapore (possibly for a man)

9) I don’t want to go back to the UK (because of a man- who will make me fall in love with him and I’ll marry him and have kids… which I’m not ready for and I’ll freak out again and run away- probably not to Singapore this time though as I can’t get a job here because, See 1-5))

10) I need clarity on the situation with the man (see no 8) which I tried to get, but according to my horoscope, on the wrong day- that’s why the situation is no clearer!

11)  Being told, “you’re crap at your job” then actually loosing my contract.

I’m crap at my job and thus I cannot stay in Singapore and thus I cannot see if this relationship has legs and thus I cannot see if it has a future.

If I was better at my job, I could stay and therefore see if he is indeed worth all the effort.

But I’ll never know. Not now. Because I’m leaving.

 I text him already to apologise for being a douche again (like the time last Friday when I cried like a child in his arms- ‘douche’ incident number 1). So far, he has not text back. So I suspect I’ll just drag my knuckles around the floor like a sulking ape today until he texts me back- If he does at all.

 

I suspect I have made myself far too much like hard work.

New reason to loose my mind… add to list:

12) I’m hard work and narcissistically needy

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LOBOTOMY?



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jobs

I have a job interview for a great job, in Manchester. Home.

Singapore, also cannot?

happy birthday Hari and Guy

happy birthday hari raya.... im of course being somewhat flippant and stupid...

I do know that hari raya haji (Eid al-Adha) important religious holiday celebrated by Muslims worldwide to commemorate the willingness of Abraham (Ibrahim) to sacrifice his son Ishmael (Isma'il) as an act of obedience to God, before God intervened to provide him with a sheep— to sacrifice instead and it begins just after the annual pilgramage of Haji to Mecca in Saudi Arabia. (straight from Wiki- thanks font of all knowledge)

or something like that...

but on a distinctly British note, it was Bonfire night on the 5th,and would like to wish Guy Fawkes a very happy birthday!!!

I  was in singapore sweating.
I missed toffee apples
and.. wooly hats.

The path of most resistance

I'm running up hill so i can crash into the moon

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i HOPE he remembers

I lay in his arms last night and cried like a baby.

We had been out and were fairly drunk- of course... lying in the darkness chatting, I made a joke about him not even telling his mother about me, and his response was “well it will all end horrifically so I didn’t see the need” which of course, he too was joking about….

That was it, I just cried a stifled, held back, self conscious cry, and he said are you crying…? I said “no” and then cried some more… but he knew.

He just hugged me.

Said everything I wanted to hear

And told me to stay.

Here.

With him.

And after a while it just fell out,

I said “I love you”

In my subconscious a giant hand clasped my mouth shut and the word ‘shit’ reverberating round my brain. All of a sudden I broke into a clammy sweat….

“what was that?” he said…

Thankfully sleep found us both swiftly after.

coffee stained empathy. heart racing in the slowest possible motion so you can watch it crack and crumble, seize and stumble. rain coat guard, and nothing is safe in this love zone. temper fuelled desire and a pandemic of sensuality. almost lovers and unstable affairs. ticking clock in a backwards sway, casting shadows on your heart, flames flicker with intoxication, close to explosion. ticking time bomb and your not scared, nor confident. pony tail ambition, tied to the top of the tallest tree and you cast your heart upon the stars and hope that the oxygen won't fan it back into the palms of reality. melodies swiftly taking charge and whispering sweet nothings into the form of a story that ushers that hearts are broken every day, point well taken but never strayed from, a caution that should be marked on ever love, long or short, great or not. time playing like pirates, marking your heart with such fierceness you would think it would hold all the glitter in the world, but approach with open mind, and do not use such safeguard as security, nothing is security.. nothing in the sky.. nothing will be so vast and last forever, it's not meant to happen. clever tricks wrapped in lullabies spelling sultry embellishments which mask their pain with icing like misery cupcakes.









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discipline

A while back "patito feo" was in my life, for one brief and tantilizing night... gosh his eyes could pierce your soul.

I'm chilling at home, when 6 months on, my phone rings.... its patito feo.
I'm all a flutter,

If it was the other way  round, and im calling him 6 months on, he may be panicked with baby alarm bells...

Anyhow, fortunatley for all involved, its this way round. Strange conversation about nothing and an invite to a weekend patry... i accept, and hang up.

I'm not going to go. I like Cananda, alot.
and Paraguay...?
Paraguay can sod off- gorgeous eyes or not.










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