despondent and desperate

I’m despondent today. I feel hopeless and dejected. Downcast and rejected.

I spent far too much time on Sunday in bed thinking… and came to the conclusion, that, if I want to know what the hell to do I must consult with the people involved in the decision.

I emailed friends, who I know will support me, but I no longer think they will get the situation. My mother tells me, “you’ve moved on…” but the truth is, I haven’t. I still wanna sit in the pub on a Friday night surrounded by me old school mates drinking and doing stupid things. The truth is, THEY, yes, they have moved on. All of them are now settled down or married or with children, no time for the pub. They grew up.

I did not.

I try to be happy drifting from one job to the next with no responsibility and no commitment. The world is my proverbial oyster. I can go anywhere and do anything I like. I am free of the social pressure to get married and have children and free of the trappings of a mortgage and debt.

Except I’m not happy.

I want stability, and reliability… I don’t necessarily want someone to make me stay in one place or tie me down

I don’t want to stop wandering. I just want someone to come with me.

I spoke in length to him last night, again- I lay there in bed at 11pm and just said what was on my mind….

I told him (by way of trying to paint a picture for him) that there was a little girl skipping in my mind all happy and joyous dressed in a lovely party dress trailing a yellow balloon behind her singing about a boy who loves her. And about how, as a girl we are told that a man must fight for you. And about how heart broken I will be when I pack my things up in February and wheel out my suitcase to the airport and stand there alone at the gate, because I couldn’t fight for us. And how he only wants to be 15% of my decision to stay, but how he doesn’t want me to go. And about my thoughts on leaving Singapore and how it is so much more difficult than the decision to come here. And about how I’d never pick my career over a relationship again.

I asked him if he thought there was a future in “this” and he said “I don’t know”.

Its funny- I never read my horoscope, but I did last night, just before I shut down the computer, and it said “today is not the day to confront things” and that

“any communication I have about important matters must be clear and straightforward.”

Well, I suppose it can’t be anymore clear and straightforward to me.

“Do you think there is a future in this?”

“No”

Done. Easy as that. He said it is because Singapore is a transient place and that nothing here lasts.  

I’m still me, and he is still him and what we have is still a relationship, regardless of the transience and fleeting / passing / brief / temporary / momentary / short lived / ephemeral / evanescent (delete as appropriate)  nature of this.

Today, I’m loosing my mind. In fact, I think I lost it a while ago. Although, not about this specific situation, but about all of it…

In summary:

1) Being told rather harshly “you’re crap at your job”

2) Loosing my job (because im crap at it)

3) I’m not crap at my job

4) I have no confidence in my abilities anymore

5) I’m only just out of uni (2 years) and I have been told im crap at my job, lost my confidence and HAVE NO PASSION for it anymore.

6) Returning home to a recession torn UK in the cold and miserable depths of winter to a job Im not even sure I want

7) No hope of employment in Singapore (although i am applying for jobs. so far all have rejected my willful advances!)

8) I want to stay in Singapore (possibly for a man)

9) I don’t want to go back to the UK (because of a man- who will make me fall in love with him and I’ll marry him and have kids… which I’m not ready for and I’ll freak out again and run away- probably not to Singapore this time though as I can’t get a job here because, See 1-5))

10) I need clarity on the situation with the man (see no 8) which I tried to get, but according to my horoscope, on the wrong day- that’s why the situation is no clearer!

11)  Being told, “you’re crap at your job” then actually loosing my contract.

I’m crap at my job and thus I cannot stay in Singapore and thus I cannot see if this relationship has legs and thus I cannot see if it has a future.

If I was better at my job, I could stay and therefore see if he is indeed worth all the effort.

But I’ll never know. Not now. Because I’m leaving.

 I text him already to apologise for being a douche again (like the time last Friday when I cried like a child in his arms- ‘douche’ incident number 1). So far, he has not text back. So I suspect I’ll just drag my knuckles around the floor like a sulking ape today until he texts me back- If he does at all.

 

I suspect I have made myself far too much like hard work.

New reason to loose my mind… add to list:

12) I’m hard work and narcissistically needy

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