Jobs... boring.

Ah shit,

I have not written in so long that there is almost too much to say…

The update on job situation:

My current job ends on the 31^st Jan 2012, so I have been looking for more work…. Both in SG and in the UK…

I took me a little trip to the UK to investigate the situation, so I lined up interviews in 4 places and…

Got offered the jobs in:

Manchester - Clinical research position

Croydon – Clinical managers position

Made a mess of the interview for:

Guys and St. Thomas’: arrived, wasn’t feeling the place or environment. All a bit stuffy for my liking: felt like withdrawing… had a headache and a back ache and … answered the questions with answers like “im not sure” and “Sorry, I don’t know” and at one point may of said “well if that patient actually arrived in my clinic… I may come knock on your door!”

Oh well you win some… you loose some.

Job number 4 is the most interesting though: I Went to meet the director, who is one of 4 directors of a private company in London. Had an hour or so meet and greet and a head bashing clinical conversation where I helped him out of a pickle with a spinal issue and he helped me with a chest problem (all job related of course, ha ha…)

I really enjoyed the whole process and he seemed to like me…

So, now… We wait.

Permission to land 2.

and so.... back to Singapore

Permission to land

Woo Hoo, holiday.....to the uk.

interviews 3

FINALLY, Something has happened!

I had an interview for a job last night as a pharmaceutical project co-ordinator…. I interviewed ok, but at the end of it the lady said… “actually have you considered a job in recruitment? I think you’d be really good at it, and we need your skills on our team”

So I said – “ok”

I’m now being interviewed for another job in Singapore… as a recruitment consultant.

Interesting,

I have applied to probably 40 jobs in Singapore and a further 6 in the UK.

So far, this is what has happened:

UK:	Location	Interview	Result
Guys and St Thomas' Hospital	London	14th Dec
QE Hospital	Birmingham	pending
Private Company	South East	pending
Private Company	Middlesbrough	pending
Clinical Research Practitioner	Manchester	25th Nov	Confirmed Job Offer
Croydon Hospital	London	7th Dec
Singapore:
Clinical project Co-ordinator	Jurong	28th Nov
Recruitment consultant	Jurong east	28th Nov
Private Company	Jakarta	12th Oct & 19th Dec	loose Job offer

I have to interview again for all the jobs in Singapore. Im not sure why here in SG they like to interview more than once, but ok la, can.

The Manchester job is confirmed as an offer too! Which is great news, if I want to go home?

Oh no.

Do I want to go home?

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interviews 2

Heard nothing. getting worried.

maybe i'm unemployable... oh dear.










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interviews

i have applied for lots of jobs.

so, i'll sit
and, i'll wait
and, i'll see what happens

Love

Is it possible to love two people?

 Does that mean you don't love either of them?

??????????????????????????????

despondent and desperate

I’m despondent today. I feel hopeless and dejected. Downcast and rejected.

I spent far too much time on Sunday in bed thinking… and came to the conclusion, that, if I want to know what the hell to do I must consult with the people involved in the decision.

I emailed friends, who I know will support me, but I no longer think they will get the situation. My mother tells me, “you’ve moved on…” but the truth is, I haven’t. I still wanna sit in the pub on a Friday night surrounded by me old school mates drinking and doing stupid things. The truth is, THEY, yes, they have moved on. All of them are now settled down or married or with children, no time for the pub. They grew up.

I did not.

I try to be happy drifting from one job to the next with no responsibility and no commitment. The world is my proverbial oyster. I can go anywhere and do anything I like. I am free of the social pressure to get married and have children and free of the trappings of a mortgage and debt.

Except I’m not happy.

I want stability, and reliability… I don’t necessarily want someone to make me stay in one place or tie me down

I don’t want to stop wandering. I just want someone to come with me.

I spoke in length to him last night, again- I lay there in bed at 11pm and just said what was on my mind….

I told him (by way of trying to paint a picture for him) that there was a little girl skipping in my mind all happy and joyous dressed in a lovely party dress trailing a yellow balloon behind her singing about a boy who loves her. And about how, as a girl we are told that a man must fight for you. And about how heart broken I will be when I pack my things up in February and wheel out my suitcase to the airport and stand there alone at the gate, because I couldn’t fight for us. And how he only wants to be 15% of my decision to stay, but how he doesn’t want me to go. And about my thoughts on leaving Singapore and how it is so much more difficult than the decision to come here. And about how I’d never pick my career over a relationship again.

I asked him if he thought there was a future in “this” and he said “I don’t know”.

Its funny- I never read my horoscope, but I did last night, just before I shut down the computer, and it said “today is not the day to confront things” and that

“any communication I have about important matters must be clear and straightforward.”

Well, I suppose it can’t be anymore clear and straightforward to me.

“Do you think there is a future in this?”

“No”

Done. Easy as that. He said it is because Singapore is a transient place and that nothing here lasts.  

I’m still me, and he is still him and what we have is still a relationship, regardless of the transience and fleeting / passing / brief / temporary / momentary / short lived / ephemeral / evanescent (delete as appropriate)  nature of this.

Today, I’m loosing my mind. In fact, I think I lost it a while ago. Although, not about this specific situation, but about all of it…

In summary:

1) Being told rather harshly “you’re crap at your job”

2) Loosing my job (because im crap at it)

3) I’m not crap at my job

4) I have no confidence in my abilities anymore

5) I’m only just out of uni (2 years) and I have been told im crap at my job, lost my confidence and HAVE NO PASSION for it anymore.

6) Returning home to a recession torn UK in the cold and miserable depths of winter to a job Im not even sure I want

7) No hope of employment in Singapore (although i am applying for jobs. so far all have rejected my willful advances!)

8) I want to stay in Singapore (possibly for a man)

9) I don’t want to go back to the UK (because of a man- who will make me fall in love with him and I’ll marry him and have kids… which I’m not ready for and I’ll freak out again and run away- probably not to Singapore this time though as I can’t get a job here because, See 1-5))

10) I need clarity on the situation with the man (see no 8) which I tried to get, but according to my horoscope, on the wrong day- that’s why the situation is no clearer!

11)  Being told, “you’re crap at your job” then actually loosing my contract.

I’m crap at my job and thus I cannot stay in Singapore and thus I cannot see if this relationship has legs and thus I cannot see if it has a future.

If I was better at my job, I could stay and therefore see if he is indeed worth all the effort.

But I’ll never know. Not now. Because I’m leaving.

 I text him already to apologise for being a douche again (like the time last Friday when I cried like a child in his arms- ‘douche’ incident number 1). So far, he has not text back. So I suspect I’ll just drag my knuckles around the floor like a sulking ape today until he texts me back- If he does at all.

 

I suspect I have made myself far too much like hard work.

New reason to loose my mind… add to list:

12) I’m hard work and narcissistically needy

================================================================

LOBOTOMY?



=========================================================================

jobs

I have a job interview for a great job, in Manchester. Home.

Singapore, also cannot?

happy birthday Hari and Guy

happy birthday hari raya.... im of course being somewhat flippant and stupid...

I do know that hari raya haji (Eid al-Adha) important religious holiday celebrated by Muslims worldwide to commemorate the willingness of Abraham (Ibrahim) to sacrifice his son Ishmael (Isma'il) as an act of obedience to God, before God intervened to provide him with a sheep— to sacrifice instead and it begins just after the annual pilgramage of Haji to Mecca in Saudi Arabia. (straight from Wiki- thanks font of all knowledge)

or something like that...

but on a distinctly British note, it was Bonfire night on the 5th,and would like to wish Guy Fawkes a very happy birthday!!!

I  was in singapore sweating.
I missed toffee apples
and.. wooly hats.

The path of most resistance

I'm running up hill so i can crash into the moon

======================================================================

i HOPE he remembers

I lay in his arms last night and cried like a baby.

We had been out and were fairly drunk- of course... lying in the darkness chatting, I made a joke about him not even telling his mother about me, and his response was “well it will all end horrifically so I didn’t see the need” which of course, he too was joking about….

That was it, I just cried a stifled, held back, self conscious cry, and he said are you crying…? I said “no” and then cried some more… but he knew.

He just hugged me.

Said everything I wanted to hear

And told me to stay.

Here.

With him.

And after a while it just fell out,

I said “I love you”

In my subconscious a giant hand clasped my mouth shut and the word ‘shit’ reverberating round my brain. All of a sudden I broke into a clammy sweat….

“what was that?” he said…

Thankfully sleep found us both swiftly after.

coffee stained empathy. heart racing in the slowest possible motion so you can watch it crack and crumble, seize and stumble. rain coat guard, and nothing is safe in this love zone. temper fuelled desire and a pandemic of sensuality. almost lovers and unstable affairs. ticking clock in a backwards sway, casting shadows on your heart, flames flicker with intoxication, close to explosion. ticking time bomb and your not scared, nor confident. pony tail ambition, tied to the top of the tallest tree and you cast your heart upon the stars and hope that the oxygen won't fan it back into the palms of reality. melodies swiftly taking charge and whispering sweet nothings into the form of a story that ushers that hearts are broken every day, point well taken but never strayed from, a caution that should be marked on ever love, long or short, great or not. time playing like pirates, marking your heart with such fierceness you would think it would hold all the glitter in the world, but approach with open mind, and do not use such safeguard as security, nothing is security.. nothing in the sky.. nothing will be so vast and last forever, it's not meant to happen. clever tricks wrapped in lullabies spelling sultry embellishments which mask their pain with icing like misery cupcakes.









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discipline

A while back "patito feo" was in my life, for one brief and tantilizing night... gosh his eyes could pierce your soul.

I'm chilling at home, when 6 months on, my phone rings.... its patito feo.
I'm all a flutter,

If it was the other way  round, and im calling him 6 months on, he may be panicked with baby alarm bells...

Anyhow, fortunatley for all involved, its this way round. Strange conversation about nothing and an invite to a weekend patry... i accept, and hang up.

I'm not going to go. I like Cananda, alot.
and Paraguay...?
Paraguay can sod off- gorgeous eyes or not.










=======================================================================

arrggh

today, i actually wanna go home.

i could pack my bags right now, and get on a flight, and just go.

Home.

Fine Social Scene

I couldn't see the cracks in this fine social scene
I couldn't find the fault with this whole pantomime


I couldn't see the cracks in this fine social scene

I couldn't find the fault with this whole pantomime

I couldn't see the cracks in this fine social scene

I couldn't find the fault with this whole pantomime

--------------

Exodus 12:37-15:21

This is the time it took Moses to part the Red Sed. 

he began at 12:37

he ended at 15:21 

Thats my understanding. 

Meanderthals and Frustrations

I mean, seriously: you can’t polish a turd so why even bother.

This is how I feel about Singapore at the moment. I have actually had it up to the neck with it all at the moment.

Who wants a fricking list of disappointments and frustrations?

WORK:

 WTF? I have been in it for 18 months and I love it, like actually love it.

I am not one of these people who went out got a generic tossy degree or one of the people who attended university to escape home/grow up/ find myself. I also did not post graduation have the ordacity to sit and cry over the said degree whilst holding down a job as an admin assistant/stripper. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with having a shitty job you hate and has nothing to do with your Law degree or History of Art Degree from a prestigious university... But, I actually went out, got a degree relevant to my chosen profession and practice the teachings of my practical and wonderful degree every day. I am registered with not one, but two professional bodies and daily uphold the morals and ethics I have been indoctrinated intoThe job i do, which i like is indeed the very I’m in Singapore. I like it, and I like the people I work with and I actually like the clients I work with- EVEN though they will daily and predictably darken my door all whinging and whining and moaning and demand the most obscene and obtrusive things and even at times make you sob uncontrollably and into your dirty, sweaty shirt. But, I actually love the job.

The job that as of February 2012 will no longer be mine.

Unceremoniously and thrown out with the trash of old un-renewed contracts, I too will be replaced.

Plan? fuck this, I'll go and get my framed degree certificate, Cry over it, and become a stripper.

I'll probably make more money anyway,

and well,

it cant be more humiliating than being told you are pretty wank at your job.

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MEANDERTHALS:

meanderthal
	(noun) People who wander around aimlessly and always seem to get in your way in stores and supermarkets, chatting on their cell phones and paying no attention to their surroundings. Use: "I would have been here ten minutes earlier if I hadn't been stuck behind that meanderthal."

It’s a well know fact that Singaporeans like to get in the way.

Its a well know fact that Singaporeans like to use their iphones too

It's a well know fact that Singaporeans like to use the iphones and get in the way at the same time.

They just wander meaninglessly meandering through life in the Malls, at food halls, in the corridors of work: they just love pottering about. And <fuck> the iphone, it’s the bain of life to normal people trying to get places.The “Meanderthals” walk aimlessly at 2km per hour, they also stare downwards at the screens of their iphone and not looking where they are going bump into people, or WORSE still, walk so slowly and wonky, drifting left to right that you can’t even get past them.

This is fine. The Meanderthals stroll I mean, its ok to potter – IN THE PARK.

Not in the corridors of work where staff are in a rush, and often a genuine – SOMEONE MAY DIE HERE rush. Fucking meandering around.

Meander this Meanderthals.

                               
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Lunch Breaks

I just want a sandwich. Just a plain old sandwich. not a processed to the heavens subway or a salad, or a wrap.. not a rice dish or noodles. Soup? no thanks not in this heat and not without crusty bread!
                                              

Hows about a bacon lettuce and tomato sandwich? or ham and salad? cheese and ham? philidelphia even? prawns on soft brown bread? chicken salad? beef pastrami?

 Perhaps a little trickle of salad cream, a drizzle of ketchup a dab of mayonnaise?

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I'd settle for a cheese and beans jacket potato.

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oh, and one last thing.

and let me get high, higher than Charlie Sheen on a good day.

Cellphone-toting meanderthals are dangerous because they are oblivious to their surroundings. Baby-stroller-pushing meanderthals could wipe out the next generation. Meanderthals of any kind survive only because most drivers use their brakes.

—Jack Brubaker, "Meanderthals and freedestrians make driving in the city a challenge," Lancaster New Era (Lancaster, PA), July 23, 2002

black, white and red all over

incognito

you may be wondering why my blog has moved house:
Well 3 weeks ago, I decided to lay low... something catastrophic occurred in my life and thus i needed to move the blog for fear of being found out by blogging, my true feelings.

Anyhow: We are now incognito perhaps for a temporary period, but maybe for a long long time depending on how things work out.

but, I still don't feel like telling the world just yet what happened: but ill show you a little picture which may allow you to figure out what is happening:

So, there you go.
We'll see what happens.

the narrator



Lets lighten the load

Based on yesterdays dreary and depressing post, I though I would add a little entertainment and enlightenment to the situation:
Ready?


 -How can I solve this problem?  I need two Hearts - Ballboy

-I'm so worried that this may happen (a friend told me when he heard this for the 1st time he had to pull over in the car, and cry for a while- i know the feeling) : Someone like you- Adele

-What I should really do:  fuck you - lily allen

- But, I know in the end: Skinny Love- Birdy (cover)


To balance the argument: this is me-  Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri

innocence lost

Its been a terribly long time since I have posted bountifully to my blog, Granted I have just had 3 weeks in Japan, which I may like to add, I will have to tell you all about in retrospect, but I just feel like sharing a little story with you all.

My Blog is rarely deep and meaningful or indeed cleaver or charming... however this little scene which was played out before me recently, actually brought a tear to my eye.

The back story to which I shall tell you:

Sitting on a deserted beach in the rain on Shiraishi Island in Japan was well, plain boring, the I- pod brought no joy and I was skipping fretfully through tracks of meaningless drivel when I heard an old track which made me think about the past. It is a truly shit song, Travis’"In my Perfect Heaven Space" which shot me right back to a dreary day back at home in the UK on my ex’s bed. This is the Ex I was with for years and years....

“The answers in the question, I hope you don’t ask”

Well, maybe it’s time to ask the question....

So moodily I shut off my I-pod and sat on a beach in a cardigan in Japan and thought of you. For a long while.

I shut you out of my thoughts on that cold beach, locked you in the very recesses of my stupid wandering mind- where you should remain until I’m ready to shake you free of the tormented cage I have created for you. Then I will gloriously roll you up into a ball and kick you off the balcony, a long drop into the dark to a hard concrete slab where I will watch your lifeless, thin papery body until I will have nothing but silence and freedom. And, in the space of your cage, I will be fill it with glorious beautiful birds that will tweet and sing and fly – for I will be free from tormented thoughts of you.

That is until a young boy and a young girl showed up in my life.

I’m waiting at the train station on a sunny Saturday morning, back in Singapore, back in my comfortable rut of routine. When a young family walk by, a young boy and a young girl, 2 ladies and a gentleman. I’m perched awaiting the train when the family split up. The boy and his parents on one side, travelling one way and the young girl and her mum travelling the other.

I hear the young girl say “but I don’t want him to leave me” and her mother say “but it’s time to go, and we must leave”

The young boy mocks the young girl and says “bye Aditya, bye” , and his mother hands him a toy, to which he hurries over to her and hands it to her, “you can play with this while I’m gone” and Young Aditya takes the boy toy and stuffs it in the pushchair and smiles at him.

The young girl says “but mummy I don’t want to go, I may not get to play with him again”

And with this her mother bundles her up onto her hip, to which a small sad face of Aditya pokes up over her mother’s shoulder, her pig tails getting in her face which was already wet from sobbing and extends her arms to him. The train pulls in on his side, and he looks over, waves and says “bye Aditya” she ignores his goodbyes and he shouts “bye” at her urgently as the doors close on him.

Aditya then waved and sobbed into her mother’s shoulder and said- heartbreakingly – “I wanted to play he’s my friend”

I sat there so sad for her. I knew in an instant how she felt, so sad at losing her friend, and how innocent she was.

If only she knew that this pattern would emerge time and time again in her life.

So I sat there at the station, the train and heartbroken Aditya had left, so freed you from your cage- and shook you out all over the floor of the station, the cage which is only filled with you, memories, darkness and sadness. And had a little cry.

Kyoto Osaka Nara Hiroshima & beach

Kyoto,day 1 after the manga museum we went to the temple of 1000 buddahs, San jusangen. It wad hot and I was not that impressed. So we got a very expensive taxi up a hill to what the guidebook promised 'we will not ruin the experience for you, but yourre entering a metaphorical womb' temple. So rather excitedly we assumed we'd be entering a temple through a vagina... But the temple was closed- wrong time of the month! So. We went to kiyomizu temple which perches on top of a hill and has lots of tinkly bells and gorgeous scenery.

Day 2 Kyoto: we went to look at some pretty streets called Sannen ninen visited a temple called ginkaju silver pagoda thing, fed a terrapin udon noodles, sat in a park and caught a train to a night festival... It was so busy that we had to cross a river on stepping stone turtles to get the hell out of there... Diamonji festival where the ghosts of boon return to where they came from, a busy affair, we lasted 5 minutes in the crowds!!

Day 3 Kyoto- saw gold palace in morning Kinkaju and the bamboo forest and train boat ride in afternoon ( more to come later) and I saw a geisha

Left Kyoto to go to Osaka for the day- Osaka aquarium and ferris wheel then got drunk in Nara tequila Jenga yikes and karaoke.

Spent the day in Nara with deer and a hangove

Now on train to Hiroshima to see race memorial and the peace park

Tomorrow, Mazda museum and then.... To the beach , shirishijma for 4 days.... Back to Tokyo fir 24 hours and home ... Boo

Nara following day for

Japan... Also can

Arriving in narira airport with a sense of dread and fear standing alone.. Every littlebit ofme initially wished to be totally out of every comfort zone my cushy little life has ever provided... Scared. When suddenly after approximately 3 hours of exchanging emails in singapore... Finally there he was. The first friendly face in Tokyo... The good doctor 'doctor gary' finally emerged from the crowds. Admittedly looking like complete shite after spending 30 hours flying and a further 8 waiting at Narita for my flight... All smiles... A long time friend, me and the DR have spent many a happy and not so happy holiday together..2004- thailand,2010- Laos Cambodia and hong kong, always a hood time spent together always a very eventful time. This year however I have come prepared,

With an EXTREMELY expensive fully comprehensive insurance cover!!!

So arriving At Narita we trip together th shinjuku to our hotel, a small box in the sky- the hotel rose garden,.. Small but well equipped, and to bed the good doctor goes. I smoke 3 cigarettes at an italian (I know with all the sushi and ramen I'm still too scared of TOkyo to explore outside the hotel) and have a glass of bubbly wine! An early night us in order.

The following day we discover a small sandwich shop, pick up breakfast and lat the exploring begin.


It's 33 degrees in the shade and it's midday. We go to the imperial palace where emperor Akihito lives. immersive supposedly,given it's behind a wall and you can't see it... Hum Tokyo? Mistake? Well it made for a nice picture of a bridge... We then sat in a park under a tree fir 3 hours sweating and complaining about the weather! Typical Brits abroad. After our brief sit down we went to Tokyo tower and saw a protest about how the Russians have still got claim to a few Japanese islands in the north that Japan still want back after they wwere seared post Nagasaki in 1945 at 2 pm on the 19july!!! (facts provided by Gary of course)

We then went to roppongi to see a giant spider and a view out to Tokyo and dinner.

The next day we went to Tokyo Disneyland... Brilliant fun. If you like quoting in 34degrees, no shade and - massive amounts of people.
Gary threw his toys out of the pram at this point and at 1pm we left. Snow whites grumpy dwarf in in tow. After his bath and a nap grumpy emerged somewhere between sleepy and happy- so wee went to dinner.. Where sleepy became grumpy again. So we went to bed in our separate shoeboxes to emerge happier and rested.

At6am on the 3rd day we went to the fish market-amazing (pics to follow) words won't say slot... The DR said he was amazed there was anything left in the sea! We then had a massive sushi breakfast and made our way to the fastest Japanese land animals lair!

The Shinkansen- or bullet train travels at 7000 miles an hour (300 km/ ph) and covers the whole of Japan... So we went to Nagano hosts of 1998 winter Olympics in which the uk won 1 bronze medal (apparently) so we check into a massive room a Japanese room with tatami mats. Wonderful massive room where you sleep on the floor. Day 1 we go to see some of grays relatives, the snow monkeys who 'shit in the onsen's we then leave the alps where the monkeys live th visit one of buddahs many homes- the temple 'zenkoji'...now seen one temple seen them all??? Well not this one. Here you can touch buddahs knob in a dark alley way... Bit like my first sexual experience. Just without the eternal salvation and enlightenment bit! A good day had by all. Getting back to the hotel- wed been moved a hotel mistake to the biggest suite they have... No complaints from us and a great Trip Advisor.com review! The following day a long walk in the jaPamese alps, an early night and then back to Tokyo via the speeding bullet train.

Back inn Tokyo I spent a happy few hours at shibuya crossing. Crossing roads and visiting H&m and taking pics... Then today ... An 8am bullet to Kyoto, where temples and geisha await. Today we went to the manga museum and Gary read astronomer boy and I read peanuts (Charlie brown) for a happy few hours, then a few temples, one called sanjusangndo and keyyomitzudera... I think, now

Off to bed.... All facts and spelling care of Gary, and auto correct on the I poo. Will review add pics and links when home. Xxxxx

Tokyo Hotel

I'm Tokyo bound. Writing at the airport.... just checked in, and killing time.

Blog, Beer, Food.


Thank god the taxi driver called to shout at me for not being at my "waiting point"

Sometimes, and only sometimes, i love singapore......

To Japan....



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Anxiety Attack

So im meeting the good Doctor in Japan on Monday the 8th of August.

this plan is a good one so far, or i thought it was until i saw this:


this is the metro map.

Now, i did say i wanted to get to japan and feel out of my comfort zone.. but that is chaos.

I like Chaos.

I will let you know how this one works out....

Tokyo for 4 days, then Chichi-jima (1000km south of tokyo by boat, in Typhoon season), Osaka (which today was hit by a Typhoon) and then Kyoto for relaxation and gardens, and park walks and then finally Nara, and back to Tokyo- with a squeeze in of hiroshima if we can.

Will update on my return. With breath that is bated, and Full Insurance, i wait for my flight on monday morning.

x






------------------------------

No More Barriers

It was saturday night, and it was dark and quiet. I lay there in his arms dreaming and being all happy, when i woke up. Suddenly. cold. sweaty.

I have a fear, a stark and paralysing fear of, using the bathoom in
a) public places
b) new / potential boyfriends houses.

and now, its 2.30am, and i have 3 choices, each as bad as the other.

The first is to lie in wait, and hope the cramping discomfort bubbling in my stomach will settle down and all will become quiet and peaceful in my world again.

The second is just go to the bathroom: ok, you would think except all that seperates his sleeping lovliness and my bubbly guts will be a thin sliding door and the silence of 2.30am.

The third is simply to do a runner. Yes, actually put my clothes on like a wierdo at 2.30am and walk out.. to hopefully find solace in a swift taxi journey and the inevitable "dancing on the doorstep" while digging in my handbag to find my key.

There are obvious pros and cons to all these options:

Option	Pro	Con
1	no noise	no relief
	no smell	pain
		tortuous wait
		he wont wake up and think i'm nasty!
2	Instant relief	noise
	can get back in bed after and be comfortable	smell
		he'll wake up and think im nasty!
3	my own bathroom	he'll think im odd leaving in the middle of the night
		he'll think im odd not using the bathroom
		he'll find my phobia bizarre
		there will be no taxis
		cannot go back to his after my escape
		dancing on the doorstep

Option 3 is out, so I'm not leaving, although its tempting- hum, I think a bit more, and drum my fingers on the bed....  weighing up the options again carefully.. And,  yes, option 3 is still definitely out.
Option 2 is a big NO. no way, too soon for that and way too soon for those barriers to be broken down...

So- Option 1 it is.
I roll over, snuggle in and hope for the best..... yawn.

4.10am. Shit, literally. Im awake again and now in alot of crampy pain and i now regret not taking a cab out of there 2 hours ago and making it home... now that is out of the question as there will be no taxi's and ill just simply explode, so without further hesitation Option 2 it is- and now under Emergency Circumstances.
I look over to him, he's sleeping, thankfully, so I make a dash for it, and pray that he is indeed a stubbornly heavy sleeper!

I hate the French at this moment for inventing the "en suite" bathroom as I let my guts go, the French are to glamorous and sophisticated to have bathroom issues, all frois gras and champagne: Not exactly the recipe for The Shits/ Shitting through the eye of a needle/ Bubbly Guts/ angry ass/ angry bum/ Shits/ Squirts/  Hershy Squirts/ Mud Butt/ Green apple Splatters/ assplosion/  angry booty/  bubbly bum/ Craps (the)/ Runs/  the Trots/ montezuma's revenge/ dysentry.......................

I lost not only my arse, I lost a little piece of my soul down that toilet bowl.
I got back into bed, back onto my side cold and a little un-nerved, but massively relieved.......
His warm body snuggled into mine, his heavy sleepy arm found its way round my waist.
and a kiss - a tiny little kiss at the base of my neck.








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