Allow me to first, set the scene.
Its 11am, and I’m in bed, it’s raining, grey and cold. Which is deceptive- It’s cold due to the air con that is blasting at 16 degrees (it's not actually 16 degrees, I think the air con is broken) and it is actually raining but I think it looks worse as there is condensation on my windows.
I have the “I poo” on next to me, it’s playing the likes of Bach, Debussy and Mendelssohn which is an attempt at being slightly more cultured and knowledgeable about music.
Life is all about the balance right? Eat 5 a day and do sport, then the cheeky Mc Donald’s you had “last night” is ok... and balance classical music with heavy metal, relaxation with chaos etc etc.
Oh there is a bucket besides me. In my balanced life of- work and sleep in the week... that means no sleep and excessive drinking at the weekend....
So this morning I write on my dinosaur of a computer which is slow at best. I have no letter ‘T’ or number ‘5’ due to a particularly vigorous cleaning session with a hoover (vacuum cleaner) where I sucked them clean off! And there are alot of ‘T’s in what I’m trying to tell you.... so here goes.
Friday night I met up with ‘hot board shorts’ and his gorgeous girlfriend some extras and few colleagues. For a few quiet drinks... it all started sober and nice, a beer or two, and then in he walks, the ’wanker banker’ who for the record is the least wanker-ish person I have ever met. He is cute and funny and well, kind of lovely. I always like it when he is around, he makes me all funny on the inside, kind of nervous.... so, we drink some more and wash our beers down with a few whisky chasers (which is never a good idea) and then on to that bloody cocktail bar. It’s always interesting when 2 for 1 martini's are involved.
I just received a text from a friend regarding last night (sat):
Him: ‘Oh double hangover... how’s your head?’ my reply ‘I feel like shit, a big shit... and like someone has shit on my brain’
I digress. Back to the Martinis.
actually, not yet, back to the texts – his reply has actually made me cry laughing, and bang- a flash back!
Him: ‘that’s a bit descriptive...take it your still in bed “sister”’
Me: ‘Yes, I’m still in bed. I dunno why I was telling everyone in the bar that you were my brother... someone actually thought that Drew Barrymore is my older sister too. Your text made me cry laughing’
Him: ‘last night was a blur- but I remember that. Where did you end up?’
Me: ‘came looking for you, but you were chatting up a girl and I didn’t want to cramp your style- plus the gorgeous married tourist was still in the bar, and that could have been naughty- so I went home’
Him: ‘why did you leave me? You should have stayed around- I was talking to anyone that had a pair of boobies. You would have done me a favour! What you up to today?’
Back to Martini Friday before we get to Saturday.
SO I’m in 2 for 1 cocktail bar when he starts making long, lingering eye contact at me. Hot board shorts is telling me to go for it, and that he has never seen the wanker banker so receptive to a flirt and, with hot board shorts practically whooping on the sidelines I’m in ... like a shot, all flirting and hair tossing – now this is not the first time I have had a sexy run in with the banker, but that ended abruptly with him revealing he was dating someone... and now here I am, he is now single and oh god ... he’s kissing me.
All of Saturday I was smiling like a dickhead.
Me: ‘I’m still in bed, still drunk I think reckon I’ll be here a while just catching up with e-mails etc think I have a date later’
Him: ‘oh really.. you think? Was going to see if you wanted to come over- bring breakfast!!’
Me: ‘ cheeky fucker- I’m still drunk , but breakfast would be smashing... but the process of getting to breakfast via the shower is far too traumatic just now. Turning an oil rig into an oil painting is not easy on a hangover and I don’t wanna poke my eye out with the mascara’....
Him: ‘no don’t worry about that... just chuck on a fur coat and jump in a cab, I have a double hangover and feel rough’
Him: ‘Actually- it doesn’t need to be a fur coat- just a long one’
What the fuck!? Brilliant.
Saturday:
Went to meet a few friends out and about, didn’t intend for a crazy one at all... however, the sound of champagne corks popping is still ringing in my ears.
Well, I met this guy- sounds promising- it’s not. I was in a bar and he- aged 58, decides he wants to get to know me and my 3 girlfriends- so he starts pouring whisky (yum- my purist love of single malt Scottish whisky was polluted by Canadian Blend last night) and orders 2 more bottles. At his point loads more of my friends randomly rock in to the bar, a flamboyant combination of style, colour, fag hags, the best looking gay guys you’d ever see, beautiful girls who are instantly turning heads and us... and the party really gets started. 58 year old American says to me in his southern drawl- ‘ do you drink champagne’ well not like that- more like ‘da ya laaik cham- pain’
Charmed... ‘Why yes indeed... I dooooo like champagne........... and so do they’... I said pointing at my girlfriends...
‘Well I didn’t ask if they liked champagne, I asked if you do!’
So I wink, my best sarcastic wink and say ‘we come as a package’....
 |
| Mr Dom perignon |
So Hugh is all like ‘what are you celebrating? That’s a pretty fancy bottle of vintage bubbles your drinking’.... can’t say I’d noticed (what a waste champagne is on me!!)
I had a look- Dom Perignon – Fancy.
Still, completely wasted on me...
3 bottles of Dom (whoever he may be) and whisky chasers (4 bottles of finest Canadian blend)
Today- I have alcohol poisoning... and a date.... I think.
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