The best way to not get pregnant - abstinence...
The second best- Condoms (good ol' durex!)
That’s how I approached the weekend.
The best way to not get drunk- Abstinence....
The second best- Work
Yes- work.
Friday me and my 2 colleagues decided just a few drinks after work and home by midnight may be the “condom” approach to remaining sober- with a little self control, we’ll be well protected and prepared for the evening.....
Off we went to meet hot board shorts and his spectacular girlfriend. I decided to put on a dress worth $1000 Fabulous pink silk and covered in bows. Honestly I’m in something of a crazy mood and I’m feeling flamboyant... but with work tomorrow I will be sensible... even the “martini” bar is not making me want to party....
So we all leave- 10:30pm. Result.
Home please... ‘Oh no correction- uncle- Clarke quay please!!’
Shit, dam and twat.
I’m in Clarke quay its 11pm and i'm running for my life across a 4 lane road, dodging cars and taxis and rick-shaws (Rickshaws yes?!) and i'm being hottly persued by my colleagues giggling and shouting... "To the whisky bar!!!) "Quick quick we only have an hour and then we'll be pumpkins"....
Who ordered the vodkas? And oh god not another whisky.... Bollox to you Whisky bar, you are silly and I am leaving immediately.... and Boom we have arrived in the heavy metal bar: "just 20 minutes guys, it's nearly midnight' says colleague number 1... and we are being greeted by ‘I can’t see you anymore as you make me use condoms...’ and he’s smiling at me like a man possessed, he's all gorgeous and a bit sweaty from his first set, and his hair is all floppy and gosh he's cute... he approaches with arrogance and confidence, steals a cigarette from my box and says, “hey baby, you know I leave in 3 weeks wanna get together........? NO NO NO NO NO, go away and put my cigarettes down (you thieving bastard). God he is so Hot, but still NO! and Mr. “I like you and really want to date you. But I have a Fiancée and a 4 year old daughter” is winking at me from the bar and waving a vodka bottle as a "hello"
<Enter, Stage Right> All of a sudden gorgeous manager sweeps in with 3 vodka lemonades and that is it. me, and my colleagues (who are working at 8am) are in trouble.
“Don't look at me, i'm not drinking it”.... exclaims one
“Me neither” says the other...
And the devils on my shoulder screams- “fuck ‘em, drink drink!!”
 |
| George Cruikshank: 'Alcohol, Death and the Devil' |
"Well- I’m staying then....come on girls (whining voice) don’t leave me here... one more, one just one..."
“Ok- 15 and I mean 15 minutes”
So I’m all happy again, having a drink and batting my perfectly painted, ‘i’ll give you a blow-job if you’re lucky’ eyes at the band....
<Enter, Stage left> God amongst men... tall and gorgeous “where are you girls going?”
“Oh, she’s making me leave we have to work in the mor.... gosh, you have lovely eyes, hey- (to colleague number 1) have you seen his eyes?”
“Oh my gosh, wow, you have lovely eyes where are you from?”
Him “Norway”
Me: “really- cold!”
Him – ha ha, “so fancy a drink”
Me “sure, but you’ll have to persuade her”
Colleague number 1- “no, I’m going I’m working
“Oh come on he’s fabulous, look at his eyes”
Colleague 2 “no don’t, stop it, we’re going”
“No no, come on look at his eyes... actually on second thoughts, don’t”
Him: “why?”
“Just don’t look”
Him, “stay for a drink girls”
“Look at his eyes, like actually look no don’t look actually.... seriously don’t, he’ll make you stay here, and drink, He'll turn you to stone,”
Colleague 1: <high pitch and squealy> “aaaahhhhh!!!”
“Told ya! Stone... nice eh!?”
Him- “3 vodkas and a pint please!!!”
So we stay, 1am: drinks, 2am she’s kissing him, he actually is freezing her to the spot – he is gorgeous.
3am... oh god WORK!
“TAXI!”
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